Subtitles by explosiveskull
(WOMAN SOBS)
(SOBBING CONTINUES)
(WOMAN SOBS LOUDLY)
(SLURPS)
(SOBBING CONTINUES)
(SOBBING SUBSIDES)
Uh... Oh.
(SOBBING CONTINUES, SUBSIDES)
(SOBBING CONTINUES)
Now, we didn't find Brendan, but we...
we did find this.
(METAL CLINKS)
It was down at the dock.
(SOBS)
That's his!
- Yep. - (SOBS)
Oh my God. (EXHALES)
OK. Well, we'd better head back to HQ.
We've got a very busy day planned.
Yeah, fighting crime and whatnot, so...
Shall I-? Couldn't leave that half eaten. Should I...?
- Take that, yeah. - Yeah.
- Thank you. - Wait.
What?
But...
so what do I do now?
Uh, well, what you don't do is call the office.
Yeah, it's getting pretty stressy down there,
so I wouldn't-I wouldn't bother.
Here's our direct line.
Nice to meet you, Annie. Anna.
Cool.
(ROCK MUSIC)
(ENGINE STARTS)
Congratulations, Brendan. You're a free man.
- (SIGHS) - Get down.
You're taking me to the airport, right?
Not a taxi service.
But...
Get out, man!
- Get out. - Out, out, out, out, out.
(ROCK MUSIC)
Bye, dickhead!
Hello. Breaker Upperers.
You wanna be single by March?
Consider it done.
I've had it up to... I've had it past here. I've had it up to here.
Just because we got gay marriage doesn't mean we need to...
follow through, you know?
I didn't vote for it.
- Will you support this marriage? - GUESTS: We will!
We will not!
You weren't gay eight months ago, Russell!
(GUESTS GASP)
It's simple, really.
What we do is we take unhappy couples such as yourself
and consciously, forcibly and irreversibly uncouple you.
Whoa.
What the hell, David?!
After the job is done, you don't know us; we don't know you.
- Thank you so much.
You're a free man, David.
Sarah, I think we need to talk about Jarrod.
The spark is gone. We used to play 'refugee trying to find asylum'.
I'd be the refugee, obviously,
and she'd be a sexy, sexy UN case manager.
Don't do that any more.
(MACHINE FLAT-LINES, WOMAN SOBS)
I want whips, I want chains. I want a hundred shades of grey.
He's not even one.
Cos women are scary. I mean, they say they're the fairer sex.
Sure, if you go round with the devil.
Why are you doing this, Sharon?
Get away from me, evil woman! (SPITS)
I've even entered a relationship with my neighbour Raewyn.
I moved in with her for three months.
But, you know, he's just not getting the message.
- Kathy! - (DOG BARKS)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Let's give it another 10 minutes and call it quits, eh?
- (BARKING CONTINUES) - Kathy!
I want a nice, clean break.
I don't want years of heartache and stalking and therapy
and possible violence.
(SHOUTING, TOY GUN BLASTS)
Oh! I've been shot!
It wouldn't take much to knock the old bugger off.
- We don't- - We don't-
BOTH: We don't kill people.
We're not breaking any laws, Joseph.
We're simply guiding two souls towards inevitability.
(TYRES SCREECH)
- JEN: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! - (PEOPLE SHOUT)
MEL: I will shoot your faces. I will shoot your faces!
Go! Go!
(TYRES SCREECH)
(DOOR SLAMS) Thank you.
- Oh, that's good. - That's really good.
It's mine! It's mine!
(VIVALDI'S 'MANDOLIN CONCERTO IN C MAJOR, RV 425')
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(BOTH LAUGH)
(MUSIC ENDS)
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS)
Um, yeah, he's saying that he didn't appreciate
you talking to your friends about his vasectomy.
W- No-No-No, I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to your friends.
No. that's not what I'm saying.
I think you should talk to your friends.
I think it's good to, you know, talk to your friends
about your emotional state.
I'm just-I'm actually just reading from a piece of paper, but, um...
Listen, lady. He doesn't want to be with you any more,
so suck it up and move on.
Yep. Yep. OK. Well, what I would suggest is popping down
to your local stationery store, buying yourself a journal
and start writing some tear-jerking diary entries.
Thank you for your call.
(LINE BEEPS)
You are so good at that.
Just gotta find the fun in it, you know?
(BELL JINGLES)
Did we order a courier?
Oh, hi. Sorry. I'm Jordan. I've got an appointment with you guys.
Oh, sorry, Jordan. I was expecting someone older and whiter.
I thought you were white.
Doesn't matter, though. I don't see colour.
I mean, I do see colour-there's nothing wrong with my vision.
Come in. Have a seat.
That's Jodie, our intern. You can just ignore her.
I'm Jen, and this is Mel.
- Hey, Mel. - HI.
(SPRAYS DEODORANT)
- Shower in a can. - (CHUCKLES POLITELY)
So...
Mel-is that short for Melon?
Melanie.
- French? - I don't think so.
Ra re?
Maybe.
Anything else you guys wanna catch up on?
Favourite food? Music? Movies?
Yeah. Yeah.
So, what's your favourite food, music and movies?
Lasagne, hip hop and The Last of the Mohicans.
You don't listen to hip hop.
Yeah, I do, and I've got a CD... of it.
Mm-hm.
So, Jordan, how can we help?
Uh, I wanna break up with my missus, Miss.
OK. And how long have you and your missus been together?
Since high school, Miss.
You don't have to call me 'Miss'. Just call me Jen.
OK, Miss.
And have you attempted breaking up with her before, Jordan?
Yeah, a couple of times.
See here-I sent her broken hearts and crying faces,
which obviously, um, represents sadness and heartbreak.
And then she sent this back.
PHONE: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
And I just couldn't go through with it.
Well, we can do a phone call, spell it out.
Yeah, I don't think that'll work. She's very delicate-
delicate like a delicate flower,
but very persuasive like a persuasive...
flower.
OK. Well, maybe we could do something in person.
We could do the 'other woman' package.
Mm.
I could pretend to be your girlfriend.
Sorry, Jen, I don't mean to offend you,
but it's more that there's a natural chemistry between Melon and I.
She's 35.
36, actually.
No, you're lying.
You're not.
Your skin's amazing.
- What product do you use? - Just over the counter-
OK, fine. Well, it's $500 up front and $500 at the end of the job.
Do you think this is something that you could afford?
(SCOFFS) Easy. Chump change.
(COINS CLINK)
(PLASTIC BAG CRINKLES)
(COINS CLINK)
(INTRIGUING MUSIC)
(SMOOTH MUSIC)
(GLASS RATTLES)
Oh yeah. (GRUNTS)
Oh, you like that, huh?
Yeah, it's all right.
- Are you bored? - What? No.
- You seem bored. - No.
Just thinking about somebody else.
Come on! Wake up, Mel! Wake up!
Are you a pussy who hates her life choices?!
No!
MOCKINGLY: 'My life sucks.
'My boyfriend left me for some fat-arsed bitch
'who's great in the kitchen!'
- Huh? - Fire up, Mel!
Fire up!
- Let's get that bra off, eh? - No, no, no, no, no. Bra stays on.
Bra stays on.
(BED CREAKS)
Took my T-shirt off.
Are you a loser?
You're a pussy!
Loser!
No mates!
Hit me!
- (GRUNTS) - You keep hitting me!
Can you look at me, please?
Not like that. I like to feel a connection of some kind.
You're literally inside me.
I mean on a human level.
If you want human connection, you shouldn't be on Tinder.
Yeah, well, if you wanna work out, you should go to the gym.
I don't like gyms. I don't like people.
Free shot! Free shot! Go!
(PANTS, GASPS)
- Harder! - (GRUNTS WEAKLY)
Put everything into it or I'm gonna knee you in the head.
(GRUNTS WEAKLY)
Get up.
- (GRUNTS) - (GRUNTS)
OK. (GRUNTS)
- Don't 90 yet. - I'll go when I want to.
- Oh! Don't go yet. - I'm gonna do it now.
Dude, I'm starving. Oh.
(PANTS) Oh, I'll just be a sec.
- Wait. - (MAN GASPS)
- W-No! No! No! Not yet! - (GRUNTS, BREATHES HEAVILY)
(GROANS)
Oh!
(FOG HORN SOUNDS)
SINGS: ♪ Wah, wah, wah.
♪ Wah-wah-wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.
I'm not wearing any undies.
Come on. Guess the singer. Go on.
- ♪ Wah-wah-wah... - Uh, Prince.
- No. (SINGS) - Kermit.
- No! - I give up.
It's Celine Dion.
You sound like a seal being strangled.
Yeah, that's what she sounds like.
That's why I love her.
Oh, hey, that Tuesday job's been confirmed. Good.
Man, I hate doing missing person jobs.
Yeah, they pay the best.
Yeah, but they cry all the time, and doesn't that lady have kids?
I don't know.
OK. My turn.
VOCALISES: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
What the fuck is that?
It's a seal.
Guess the Singer.
The game is called Guess the Singer, not Guess the Animal.
OK. Seal the singer.
Butterfly kick, butterfly kick, butterfly kick, butterfly kick,
butterfly kick.
Have you washed these?
No. Why would I?
I've only worn them once today.
Oh God.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
- Eh! Food time! Hurry up! - Oh!
Oh, no, no. Don't go on the lawns. Don't go on the lawns.
Dad just did them.
OK.
(LIU FANG'S 'THE ROMANCE OF THE RED RIVER VALLEY')
Wow. Your mum's got some new... art.
Oh my God.
Whoa.
I forgot you had a perm.
You know, I thought about making a curry, and then I thought,
'Oh God, no. I'm still a novice in that department.'
So I got Sarina, our cleaner, to make it.
Mel hates curry.
No.
But I thought you were Indian.
I'm half-Indian, half-Irish.
IRISH ACCENT: I'm a curried potato.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
(HUMS IRISH JIG)
White people love that joke.
I just don't understand why you would blow up a photo
of my ex-boyfriend, print it on corrugated iron
and stick it to your wall.
Oh, here we go.
Because it is art, Jennifer.
It's Kiwiana, which is very (FRENCH ACCENT) de rigueur.
Don't use that accent, Mum.
It's the correct accent.
I really liked it, Shoz.
Merci beaucoup.
I'm, like, 24 in that photo. Why don't you blow up a photo of Stan
with that bung-eyed chick he took to the high school social
and put that up?
Because Stan is married with three children now.
I mean, if you get a new partner, that's fine.
Give me a photo. I'll bung it up on the wall.
Why do you have to have a photo of me with a man in it?
Why can't you just have a photo of me in front of a building
or a tree?
Because I don't want to feel sad
every time that I walk up and down my own hallway.
Christ, Jennifer, you're 40.
When are you going to start making an effort?
Look, Jennifer, I think your mother's just worried
that time might be running out.
For what?
For you to become a mother.
STAN: Kids are pretty great.
You hate your kids.
No. It's-One of them.
Jennifer, all I'm saying is there are many options
- for you and Mel to start a family. - (MEL SPLUTTERS)
What? Just because I don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean I am gay.
I'm just saying you already live together.
You might want to consider it.
I'm not sure it's something you can actually consider, Shoz.
I think it's more like something you're born with, you know,
like-like a genetic mutation- like X-Men but, like, in vaginas.
Like, boom!
Vulvarine! (WHOOSHES)
We think it would be nice if Stan donated some of his sperm
so that you could start a family.
- What? - Uh, that's Incest, Mum!
No. Not if he inserts it into Mel.
I've gotta go to the bathroom.
Uh, yeah, I've gotta check a thing. A... thing.
Me too have to check the thing, so...
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Oh, you reek of sex.
Yeah, you reek of not getting any. (SNIFFS)
Oh Christ! That shit is horrible!
Tastes like air freshener! (SNIFFS) Argh! (GRUNTS)
SHONA: Jennifer.
You'd better not be partaking in my cocaine.
Jesus Christ, Mum, what is this shit? Ajax? Where did you get it?
FAINTLY: Oh, I don't know.
Graham. Graham, where did you get the cocaine?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't want my septum to fall out.
Why do you keep doing it if it hurts your face so much?
Because I hate my life! (SNIFFS)
Argh!
SHONA: Graham says he hasn't bought any Cocaine, so that will be Ajax.
Oh my God!
Now is probably not the best time to tell you this, but, uh, (SNIFFS)
Joe's back.
How do you know?
I sold him a house.
You sold him a house and you didn't tell me?
Or me?
Or her, but more importantly, me!
Well, maybe equally as important-me?
Jen, please, don't freak out.
Not freaking out.
I'm cool. I'm fine.
Y-You're bleeding from the nose.
Oh shit.
Jen.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
Jen?
(GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES)
What's happening?
Uh... I don't...
She's having a flashback?
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Mwah!
Call me if you get a chance.
Yeah, well, I'm out on the rig, so- I know, but if you get a chance.
I will. (MUFFLED) I will if I get a chance.
You just stay out of trouble, you, OK?
- OK. I'll see ya. - Yep.
Argh!
- I love you. - (DOOR SLAMS)
(MORIO AGATA'S 'HOSHI NO FURUSATO')
Welcome home, sex bag.
(BOTH GRUNT)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Come on. Come on.
- Go, baby, 90. Go. Go. - (BOTH GRUNT)
Man, Joe was a cocksucker.
Total cocksucker.
Grandmaster cocksucker.
Not in a good way.
Maybe I should go gay.
(SCOFFS) Man, you bang a lot of dudes.
- Yes, I do. - (CHUCKLES)
How many dudes have you banged?
More dudes than I have women, just.
But the women that I did bang, I banged them more often.
So I'm not sure how that works out.
Mm-hm.
- Do I talk about being bi too much? - You talk too much.
Oh, hey, lady!
Hey, I wouldn't walk down this way.
There's a couple of creepy dudes back there.
I'd stick to the street, I reckon. The well-lit street.
OK. Thank you.
No worries. Nice doggie.
Do you find Kristen Stewart hot?
Who's Kristen Stewart?
Oh, no. You're not gay.
(CLICKS TONGUE) OK. What did you think about that, then?
- Yeah, I didn't mind it, but... - Nah.
It felt a bit unnatural.
Yeah. I didn't get anything happening down there at all.
- Nah. - No activation.
I don't feel like I need to do that again.
Not a throb. Not one.
OK, don't go on about it. Don't go on-
- Not one slither of- - OK, don't go on about it.
- Not one- - Don't. Enough.
- ...droplet of- - (SIGHS)
- Not a droplet. - (SIGHS)
Do you think Joe's still a cocksucker?
JOE: So, yeah, just put that, um-
(MAN LAUGHS)
(INDISTINCT CHAT-FER)
I thought you were taking me out to lunch.
What? Uh... have that.
(ALL CHATTER, LAUGH)
Can we please go?
No, I wanna watch him, just for a couple of minutes.
Please, OK? It's not all about you.
You're sick. You know that. You need help.
He treated you like shit.
He just bought you jewellery and clothes the whole time.
He totally objectified you.
Yeah, I liked it.
- Is he married? - Yep.
- Children? - Yeah. Three.
Three!
Sarah, Michelle and Danny.
Yeah, I didn't-I didn't need to know their names.
Did he ask about me?
I've gotta go. I've gotta get back to the office.
Hey, hey, hey. Stay low. Stay low.
(ROCK MUSIC)
(WHISTLE BLOWS, PEOPLE SHOUT)
The kid's text says 'GF'- which I assumes means 'girlfriend'-
'is standing by the subs'.
What's subs?
Subs is the, um, substitutes. The players not on the field.
(MUSIC PLAYS IN SLOW-MOTION)
You spotted her yet?
(SLOW-MOTION MUSIC CONTINUES)
FAINTLY: Mel.
Mel
Mel.
H-Hot
- What? - What?
- Sepa. - Jordan.
No, the girlfriend. Have you spotted her yet?
WOMAN: Smash 'em babe.
Go, Jordan!
Fuck 'em up, baby. Fuck 'em up.
Ooh.
OK, braids-
12 o'clock.
That's the way-shut 'em down!
Put 'em on the ground!
I would not describe that as a delicate flower, Jordan.
(EXHALES LOUDLY)
OK.
Hey, Mel. You look different.
But you look nice, though. You look nice. I like it.
Oh, it's just a costume.
Oh.
Did you see any of the game? I got a try. Did you see it?
I signed your name-
M-E-L-O-N-
Melon... ie.
Hey, you know that when we do the job
that I have to do all the talking, eh? Remember?
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
But before you do do the job, can I please say one thing?
OK.
Well, we're all animals, right?
Well, in the animal kingdom, there are no rules.
So if a lion and a panda bear wanna make love,
they just...
The magic just happens. They let it happen.
People may frown upon it, but to the lion and the panda bear,
it's all natural.
It's chemicals, Mel.
And,
Melon,
I know you feel the chemicals too.
Uh...
- SEPA: The fuck, Jordan? - Oh. Oh.
Is this the bitch you've been secretly texting?
(CHUCKLES) This better be a fucking joke.
This better be Candid Camera.
That hasn't been a show since the '90s.
I don't even know how you know that reference.
Shh! Do not talk to me, white girl.
- OK, I'm not white- - Sepa. Sepa, babe.
I didn't mean to do this. I didn't mean to fall in love.
The heart just goes where the heart goes.
No harsh feelings?
(GRUNTS)
What the fuck is going on, Jordan?
- I can tell you- - Well-Well-Well-
Well, this is Mel, and we are in love.
We are in love. Hang on a sec.
Oh! Are you telling me that you're leaving this-
this fine piece of
Maori-Samoan-German-Jewish-Tokelauan arse
for this ugly old curry muncher slut?!
OK, you called me white before-
Hey, hey, hey. Don't you dare talk to her like that.
- Bloody hell! - Oh shit! Whoa.
Don't push her! I don't want anything to happen to her
in her condition.
Wh-? (WHISPERS) What the fuck?
Just go with it.
Tell her, honey. Tell her.
- I- - She's pregnant.
It's twins.
The fuck?!
We did IVF cos her eggs are a bit older.
Are you telling me that you didn't even accidentally knock up
this old bag of shit, but you got your jizz,
and you put it in a little fuckin' petri dish,
and you made it swim around her little raisiny eggs
until they fertilised and then you syringed them back up
her wrinkly grey-pubed twat?
OK, you don't know that my pubes are grey.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. We did exactly that.
And we're moving to the Gold Coast too,
cos I got a million-dollar contract with the Titans.
(ALL SCOFF, TALK TOGETHER)
Pull it back. Pull it back.
Is this some, like, MTV Punk'd type shit?
What about everything we've been through together?
All the times that I drove you to rugby?
All the times that I read you Harry Potter
one, two, three, four, five, six, seven because of your bad dyslexia?
All the times that we played Dragon Ball Z?
Kamehame...
- ha. - SOFTLY: Ha.
Does that mean nothing to you?
Babe, I've been trying to break up with you
for the past couple of months.
That emoji text?
How the hell was I supposed to understand your emoji text?
I agree. That could have been quite confusing.
Who the fuck are you?
This is my mum.
That is not your mum.
I know your mum. She's not a white bitch. She's Maori.
That's racist.
Don't you talk to me about colour or race,
you colonialising bitches!
OK, what Jordan is trying to say is that he no longer wants to be
in a relationship with you.
So my suggestion is you take that information like a woman.
We shake hands, say our good-byes,
and we walk away with our integrity and our faces intact.
What do you say?
(HEAVY ROCK MUSIC)
SEPA: You'd better run!
You better run for your life!
She punched me.
(YELLS IN SLOW-MOTION)
Oh, holy crap! Run!
Jordan, I told you to let me do the talking!
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)
Get her! Get her! Get her!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Drive! Drive! Drive! Go! Go! Go! Go! Fast!
- Open the door! - (TYRES SCREECH)
What the fuck, Mel?
It's not my fault that he went rogue!
(SIGHS)
Guys, talk to me, not about me.
If it's not your fault, whose fault is it?
This is a $200 skirt, Mel.
I don't know why you spent that much money on that skirt anyway.
(HON KS HORN INCESSANTLY)
Jen, it's a-
- Jen, it's stop sign. - (SIGHS)
OK? Everyone has to stop at a stop sign. That's why is says 'stop'.
- (SIGHS) - OK.OK.
Let's all take a deep breath. (BREATHES HEAVILY)
And we'll talk about this like adults.
Oh, also, can you take me to Mangere, please?
I ran out of credit, so I can't text my mum.
(SIGHS) OK, fuck this. I'm getting a cab.
Jen... I'll see you at home.
What? Jen, come on.
Jen!
(SIGHS)
Hey, I'm sorry I messed up back there, Melon.
I just... (SIGHS)
...had to speak my truth,
which in this case was all lies,
but all of these emoticons just flowed up inside of me.
You do that to me, Melon.
Like, you make me feel all of these emoticons, and it just...
makes me wanna (GRUNTS).
(EXHALES HEAVILY)
Makes you wanna what?
(GRUNTS)
(SMOOTH MUSIC)
All I am saying is mixing with clients is gonna get messy.
And don't forget our number one rule-DFTC.
What's DFTC?
DFTC-don't fuck the client. It's a new rule.
Why do we need a new rule?
I don't know. You know, to keep ourselves safe.
- From what? - From complications, STIs.
I don't know, Mel.
- Shit, what's her name again? - Sheree.
♪ Sheree don't want to be with you no more.
♪ I'm sorry, Jeff, it's over. ♪
(BLOWS DISCORDANT CHORD)
I just don't think we should do any more jobs with horny teenagers,
you know?
What?
You know, I can't help that people are drawn to me.
- No, you can't. - Like cats.
I'm allergic to them, but does that stop them from coming up to-?
It's not like-I don't put any vibe out to cats.
Cats are just like, 'Mm. Mm. Mm.'
I'm a real pussy magnet.
I just don't have a good feeling about it.
Call it women's intuition, OK?
WOMAN: Constable Woods?
Annie.
- Anna. - Anna.
Anna, um...
You remember Constable Glen, right?
Jen Glen? You introduced yourself as Constable Green.
Uh, yeah. It's my maiden name.
Yeah, all of her family have, urn, names that rhyme with Glen.
So her mum's name is Gwen, brother is Ben,
and Dad is...
Glen.
ANNA: Glen Glen.
BOTH: Yeah.
Ooh.
I forgot to give him that birthday present. He's gonna be so mad at me.
- Oh, he wanted fishing stuff. - Yeah.
Maybe we should head down to the, urn, fishing tackle-
How are you?
.“Shop.
(SOBS LOUDLY)
Fine. Um, yeah.
Uh, I've been putting up some flyers.
But I'm not well, to be honest. I have vulvovaginitis.
Oh, it sounds fancy, but it's just a commonplace yeast infection.
The doctor thinks it's grief related.
I have to wear maxi pads, so I had to throw out my handbag.
But I've got this reusable shopping bag so that I can fit them.
That's good for the environment.
Well, it was nice to bump into you, Annie, but we've got to actually-
I've been trying to get a hold of you.
Have you heard anything? Is there any news?
MEL AND JEN: Um...
- Not yet.
Nothing?
I've just been waiting. I haven't heard anything either.
I haven't got any friends. Brendan was it.
I really wanted a baby.
But then I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis,
so the universe kind of took it out of my hands-that decision.
It's OK. It's fine.
Have you been to hospital? I quite like it.
People there.
At any time I could just press a button,
and then someone will come in the door and go, 'How are you?'
I mean, I've had a deep sense of loneliness since I was a child.
Oh my God.
You guys have each other, which is- must be really great. Is that good?
What's that like?
(8055) I'm so sorry. (SOBS)
- WAITER: The Crayfish Orgy. - (SOBS LOUDLY)
- Bon Appetit. - Merci.
Anna, Anna, Anna. Would some seafood cheer you up a little bit? Do...?
Me?
Yeah. Me-I see food, I eat it. (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Why don't you just hang outwith us for a bit?
(INTENSE ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
(CHEERING)
Whoo!
Shamone!
- Drinking is good. - Oh.
I still feel dead inside but it's like
the more I drink, the more I forget how dead I feel.
- Yeah. - That's why we do It.
(LAUGHS)
- Do you guys have husbands? - No.
I was a practising bisexual.
Yeah.
- Are you a bisexual, Jen? - Uh-uh.
But I'm kind of celibate now.
- Celibate? - Yeah.
- Oh my God. - Yeah. Me and Jen made a pact.
- Well, it wasn't a pact. - Yeah, it was a pact.
Emotional attachment is just, like, not our thing.
Oh.
But it's not sad, cos, um, I have a very-
I have a very extensive wank bank.
What's a wank bank?
- You've never heard of a wank bank? - No.
OK. It's like a bank in your mind of, like, images of people
that get you off.
Like, I just think of old Bruce Springsteen running on a beach.
Hoo...
Got some activation down there, you know.
You just scan anyone. You just scan a room.
I mean, maybe there's consensual issues there, but anyway, you scan-
You just look at them; they don't even know?
- And you're just like, 'You're in.' - Bang.
- You're in. - You're in.
- You guys are in. - You're in.
BOTH: You're in.
- They don't even know. - No.
- (LAUGHS) - Really?
Because who knows how to fuck yourself better than yourself?
- Am I right? - Yes!
Yeah!
Do you have one? Do you have a wank bank, Jen?
No. I live in reality. I just bang dudes.
- Another round. - Yes. More tequila.
- What? - WHISPERS: These are terrible.
Oh... Check that out.
I don't know.
Oh, he does Capoeira. (GROANS)
Is it fighting or is it dancing?
She asked if I'd help put some up.
What did you say?
I said, 'Yeah.'
Are you insane?
Brendan is not missing, and we don't want anyone to find him.
But that's what friends do. Friends help each other outwith stuff.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're not friends.
WOMAN CHANTS: Do it! Do it! Do it!
- She's pathetic. - Yeah!
Number one...
in the wank bank.
Come on. You were exactly the same when Joe left.
(SCOFFS)
What?
I'm just being nice, Jen, you know?
I'm going to the bathroom, and then we are leaving.
I got one.
SINGS: ♪ Day-O.
♪ Day-O.
MEL AND ANNA SING OFF-KEY: ♪ Daylight come
♪ and me want to go home. ♪
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
(DANCE MUSIC PUMPS)
(SIGHS)
(DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
ANNOUNCER: Hey, you horny hens! All aboard the Party Bus.
We're about to burn it down!
(ANNA SINGS KARAOKE OFF-KEY)
(CHEERING)
♪ Da ba dee, da ba da,
♪ da ba dee, da ba da,
- What the fuck? - ♪ Da ba dee, da ba da.
- ♪ Da ba dee, da ba die. ♪ - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Thank you. Oh, Mel! Mel, I put this one on for you!
Oh my God. Celine Dion-she's my favourite. How did you know that?
There's some brains in my dicks.
ALL CHANT: Mel! Mel! Mel! Mel! Mel! Mel! Mel! Mel!
Come on! Come on! Come on!
(CHEERING)
(SIGHS)
♪ There were nights when the wind was so cold...
Do you want to come to my wedding? It's going to be so fun.
What? No.
♪ ...if I just listened to it right outside the window.
♪ I finished crying in the instant that you left.
♪ And I can't remember where or when or how.
♪ And I banished every memory you and I had have ever made.
CELINE DION: ♪ But when you touch me like this,
♪ and I hold you like that.
♪ It's so hard to believe, but it's all coming back to me.
♪ It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now.
♪ There were moments of gold and there were flashes of light.
♪ There were things I'd never do again,
♪ but then they'd always seemed right.
♪ There were nights of endless pleasure.
♪ It was more than any laws allow.
♪ Baby, baby,
♪ if I kiss you like this,
♪ and if you whisper like that.
♪ It was dead long ago, but it's all coming back to me.
♪ It's so hard to resist, and it's all coming back to me.
♪ I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now.
♪ If you forgive me all this,
♪ if I forgive you all that,
♪ we forgive and forget, and it's all coming back to me now.
♪ And if you touch me like that...
♪ And if I... ♪
(CHEERING)
Bravo Mel!
Can you smell bacon?
(SIREN WAILS)
Is my head gonna fall off? (5088)
Mel!
She'll be fine. Come on. Let's go.
(CONTINUES SOBBING) I don't... Mel!
(BIRDS CHIRP)
OK. So you're Constable Wood, and I'm Constable Glen.
No. Just Constable Green. Just stick with that.
OK, OK. Well, OK.
So thingummy went for a walk in the bush and hasn't returned.
What's...
- What's her name? - Trudy.
Trudy.
Trudy Stallone.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Just...
- What are we doing? - Just going-
- Why are we here? - Want to make sure that Anna is OK.
- Are you crazy? - Yep, yep.
- Fine. Just be back in a sec. - Mel, just leave her alone.
- No. - Mel, we don't do follow up care!
(DOOR SLAMS)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Mel? - Hey. (CHUCKLES)
Just wanted to check that your head was... all right.
Oh. It's just a bit scorched, but fine.
Not as bad as the pole burn.
I looked for you.
I was a bit concussed. I couldn't find you, probably.
(SIGHS) Yeah, um, Jen-(SCOFFS)
What a drag. She wanted to get home. I was having a great time.
Would you like to come in?
Oh...
I've got vodka.
Nah. I better not.
TEARFULLY: I don't think I should be here alone.
I used to have a cat,
but it died. (SNIFFLES)
I think.
I can't find it.
You know what? I don't-
I was just doing a routine check, really.
You know, just procedure and all that, and so on and so forth.
And henceforth, I should probably get back to the station.
Can I come?
Huh?
If I start crying, you won't even notice, I promise. (SOBS QUIETLY)
See? (5085 QUIETLY)
It's barely audible. (SOBS LOUDER)
Uh...
I'll just get my vodka.
Hi, Jen Glen.
(GRUNTS)
SOFTLY: Fuck.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(SIGHS)
WHISPERS: What?
She looked like she was going to kill herself.
- Did she say that? - No. But I was picking up a vibe.
She looked like she was gonna do something to herself.
Is this your work car?
Uh, yeah, yeah. We just, um... We do a lot of undercover stuff.
Oh, urn, yeah, we-we just actually busted a big drugs case.
We confiscated that.
Yeah, we were trying to lock up that bong for a long time.
That was a big win for us, wasn't it, Constable Glen?
Huge win.
MURMURS: Now, where is that police station?
It's just up here on the right, isn't it?
Yep. So this is the, um, police station.
We've got a couple of cops out the front.
We've got, um, a couple of palm trees.
We've got a rubbish bin at the entrance.
But we're actually heading back out on the beat today.
I would love to look at Brendan's file, just quickly.
Oh...
- Uh, Anna, Anna. - Anna, no.
We shouldn't-(STAMMERS)
A-At least let me go first, because I've got the swipey.
Yeah. So we've got a reception area, we've got some disabled toilets,
we've got a bell, we've got these guys.
Hey, Jill.
But nothing really much to see, so we'll probably just head-
- Yeah, we should probably-Oh. - (DOOR JANGLES)
Actually, why don't we check out the hallway?
So, which one is your office?
Um, it's just down here, actually.
If we go up-
Ooh-It's back-What am I thinking?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, it's just like a bloody rabbit warren in here.
Mm?
Oh, hey, Tony.
- That's Officer Tony. - Yeah, Dirty Tony.
- Oh. - Yeah.
Fingered me at the office Christmas party last year twice.
Here we are. Oh.
Oh, hi, guys.
Don't recognise those guys. They must be new.
Uh, yeah. Here we are.
The office.
Have a seat. It'll be a bit boring for you, sorry. (CHUCKLES)
Just paperwork. (SIGHS)
Mm.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
How boring.
Can I see Brendan's file now?
Yeah.
Constable Glen, do you want to get Brendan's file for... Anna?
Yeah.
Brendan's file. It's called 'Lock Docs', but it's just a code... name.
- What's going on? - Um...
Who the hell are you guys?
- Constable Wood. Jen-I'm Glen. - Glen-Uh, Green-
- Just here from the- - Wood.
- ...the, uh... - Yeah.
- What's with those uniforms? - Oh, uh, we're from Mosgiel.
South Island hard.
Under-resourced. It's a funding kind of thing.
Yeah.
Are you guys strippers? Did Dirty Tony organise this for my birthday?
Yes...
WHISPERS: Yes! Oh!
(CHUCKLES)
Get the music.
- (PHONE PLAYS MUSIC) - Are you in it too?
("I-I' THE ARTIST'S 'GIDDY UP' PLAYS)
♪ Giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy up.
♪ Junk in my trunk, drink in my cup.
♪ Life of the party, giddy up, giddy up.
♪ Hair down her back
♪ to her thong.
♪ She liked to shake it, shake it.
♪ That's her song.
♪ She got a big booty. ♪ Big booty.
I Got a fat cat.
♪ She take a quick pic. It's a thirst trap.
♪ Two chicks,
♪ one cup. ♪ One cup.
♪ In the club... ♪ In the club...
♪ ...getting toked up. ♪ Toked up.
♪ Bend over... ♪ Bend over...
♪ ...touch your toes. ♪ ...touch your toes.
♪ Let me see how low can you go!
♪ Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up,
♪ giddy up, giddy up.
♪ Giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy up.
♪ Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up.
♪ I'mma shake it, shake it when my song come on.
♪ Worked hard for this money, so you better treat me right. I
(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING FAINTLY)
I think I was really getting the hang of it by the end there.
- Where is he? - Rio.
Why didn't he do it?
Because he's a coward, like the rest of them.
How long have you two been running this scheme?
It's not a scheme, Anna. It's a service. We're service providers.
What you're doing is corrupt.
If by 'corrupt' you mean helping liberate people
from dysfunctional relationships, sure.
You work for weak arseholes who don't have the guts
to talk to their partners.
Anna, your relationship wasn't working, OK?
How would you know?
Think about it like a big tree that's blocking out the light.
Now, you could either stand by and watch that tree die
of natural causes over about 200 years-
I think you're horrible.
Yeah, well, I don't like your hair!
Look, I think what Jen is trying to say is that, you know, yeah,
this is yucky, you know. It's not ideal.
Brendan was a dick, and all that sort of stuff.
But, you know, you'll emerge from this a stronger woman.
And when the next situation comes along, you'll be able to handle it.
And we'd like to think that we've been a positive part
of that transition for you.
- I thought you were my friend. - (SIGHS LOUDLY)
I- I am your friend.
No, Mel. Friends don't fuck each other in the arse.
Some friends do.
Like, I don't know if you're meaning arse-fucking in a bad way
or a good way. Like, arse-fucking could be nice for some... one,
when it's consensual.
Can we go?
You two are disgusting.
I don't know how you sleep at night. I really don't.
Anna. Anna!
We are an hour and a half late for our next job,
and we're probably gonna have to refund Brendan the money.
This is the sort of thing that happens when you take charge, Mel!
- You're so mean. - I'm not mean. I'm professional.
You're heartless.
You know what? You need to toughen up.
That is a soft knock. (KNOCKS LOUDLY)
- Just soft. Just-(KNOCKS GENTLY) - Oh, for fuck's sake.
(DOORBELL BUZZES INCESSANTLY)
Tuck your shirt in.
- Just tuck It In. - Just-
Oh!
ALL: Surprise!
(GUESTS MURMUR)
Oh, uh, sorry.
We thought you were Trudy.
Um, is everything OK?
- Uh, no unfortunately. - No.
Um...
Trudy went for hike this morning, and she hasn't returned.
She's officially missing.
(GUESTS GASP, MURMUR)
Is she?
- (STAMMERS) - That's not-I-
- Wow. - We have a, um...
We didn't talk about this before, so I don't-
- A note came through on the RT. - Not on my RT.
Well, maybe yours was off, and-
I don't think it was off, because I definitely heard
'(IMITATES STATIC) Coming in, coming in, coming in, Constable Wood.'
What I was just gonna say is that we...
there's a search party out looking for her,
and we've got a hundred of our best men out there.
Past tense.
They're back. They came back.
No, they came back for lunch, and then they went back-
And they have some interesting findings.
They found-
- No, we haven't. - Yes, we have.
- No. - Yes, we have found her.
- QUIETLY: Yes, we did find her. - We haven't found anything.
- They found a clue- - They found a corpse.
- And we're- - She's dead!
(GUESTS GASP)
- What? - (GUESTS MURMUR)
How?
We're still working it out, but I think maybe she fell into a crevasse
and just... died on impact.
- (GASPS) - Yeah.
Dead 0... Impact.
D-O-I.
- She is dead, dead, dead. - (GASPS)
SOFTLY: Is that tough enough for you, Constable Bitch?
CHILDREN SING: ♪ Happy Birthday to you,
happy birthday to... ♪
Where's Mummy?
(SIGHS)
It's just Daddy now.
Just Daddy. (SOBS)
Maybe someone wants to do a round of drinks or something.
- (CAR ENGINE STARTS) - (CONTINUES SOBBING)
(TYRES SCREECH)
Mel!
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTS)
- (SIGHS) - (TEXT ALERT CHIMES)
(SPANK'S 'LAY YOU DOWN' PLAYS)
♪ I wanna lay you down.
Man, you look... really cool in that costume.
Do you want a drink?
Yeah. Do you have any RTDs?
I had chlamydia when I was 18, but that cleared up.
Cool. Cool. Uh, I was meaning ready-to-drink drinks. RTDs?
Oh.
Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I got heaps of those.
Oh mean.
♪ Oh, look at me.
♪ I can touch my feet.
♪ Now, baby, turn me around
♪ so you can get it,
♪ but now can this pretty brown pound.
(SIGHS)
♪ Ooh.
♪ Put it in my neck, my neck, my neck.
♪ I wanna lay you down...
(SIGHS)
♪ ...and give it to you in your neck.
You look unhappy, Melon.
♪ I wanna lay you down.
(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS, SNIFFS)
I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately
on mine and Sepa's relationship,
and...
I love her so much- so much-but...
I think the love made me blind
to the things about her that were bad for me,
that were making me unhappy.
But now I'm happy.
And, Melon,
you deserve to be happy too.
♪ Ain't no shame in my game.
♪ I wanna show you...
Whoa. Are those natural grey hairs?
Yeah.
Man, they're so beautiful.
(GRUNTS)
- (BOTTLE CLINKS) - Oh shit. I spilled my RTD.
Fuck the RTD.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
♪ I wanna lay you... ♪
(SIGHS) Fuck.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, that-That's a big vigorous.
That's a bit-Yeah.
Less. Yeah, bit less.
Yeah, that's better.
Yep. That's good. That's good.
Yeah. Split-Split the diff.
Ooh.Yep.
Whoa. Are you grey down here too?
- Am I? - Beautiful.
Ooh.
Ew, Mel! What the-?
Ew! That's my couch!
That is my throw!
Why is my throw pink?
- I spilled my RTD. - (GRUNTS)
DGA, Mel. The code?
Don't get fucking attached?
Wouldn't that be DGFA, Miss?
Screwing a minor. Go you.
- How old are you? - Uh, 17.
Legal.
18 next month. I'm having a party at Kelly Tarlton's Aquarium.
You should totally come along.
What the fuck is wrong with you, Mel?
Why do you always talk to me like I'm 16 years old?
You know what? I can't do this any more.
I-I-I feel... stifled.
I- I want to see other people. I want to do other things.
OK, sure. But not on my throw!
You know what? You care more about that throw
than you've ever cared about anyone.
And this is coming from someone who ruined my relationship,
- who stole my boyfriend? - What?
Joe cheated on both of us, Jen.
I went out with him for three years. You rooted him for three months,
- and you never apologised. - (WHISTLES)
My bad. Keep going.
A decent human being would've apologised.
Apologise for what?
We didn't even know each other.
Well, should I also apologise for being the one
that ended up calling you to tell you Joe was cheating on you?
For letting you sob on my shoulder every night?
- For being a good fucking friend? - (SCOFFS)
You know what?
I have... loved meeting Jordan,
and I have loved sex with Jordan
and meeting Anna, and hanging outwith Anna.
You know why? Because they're nice people, and they make me feel good.
You know what kills me? You can't stand to see me happy.
And I can't be friends with someone that doesn't want me to be happy.
But you don't have anybody else.
(SIGHS)
You know what? I don't want to be-
I don't want to be in this friendship any more.
I'm taking off this stupid bracelet!
OK, fine. Well, I'm taking my bracelet off.
You give that back to me. Give me it!
This is my bracelet.
- I made that. Give me that. - No. No!
- Give me my bracelet! - No. I will take my bracelet.
I made you that. That's the rules of friendship bracelets-
you give the bracelet back when you break the friendship!
And you're-I'm breaking the friendship.
Fuckin' tight.
Too tight. Supposed to last forever. It's not supposed to come off.
- Fuck. - (BOTH GRUNT)
(MELLOW MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
This is fun, eh?
Me and my two favouritest women in the whole wide world right now.
Oh, Mum, can you make us a Milo when we get home, please?
Cheer up, baby. Mum's gonna make us a Milo when we get home.
Whoa. Shit.
What?
Been in all of the vaginas in this car.
Buzzy.
♪ You can hate me or love me,
♪ touch me and love me.
♪ kiss me and hug me.
♪ We would do it all night long. ♪
Hey, I've cleared these drawers out for you.
Where are you gonna put your clothes?
I dunno. A box or something.
Oh. I can take that poster down if it upsets you,
or if you want to put some of your posters up, feel free to.
Oh, I don't have... posters.
Well, feel free to put some art up, if you want.
This is your room too now, OK?
Oh, this is so cool.
(CHUCKLES)
Yep. (SIGHS)
OK, let's just run the lines again, Jodie.
OK.
Hi, Mr Johnston. Why don't you take a seat?
He says, 'blah blah blah-'
No-OK, you can't mouth the lines while I'm saying them.
She's calling him fat, lazy, boring, not very good in bed any more.
You know? She's saying that you're weak as well.
And she's telling me that- his best friend.
Love. Love.
Dead. Dead inside me.
Kua mate.
(KEENS)
I don't know why she's calling you fat.
I think you've got a wonderful body, you know?
Thanks, man.
You make me feel better all the time.
And I want to. I mean, because we're, you know, we're friends.
What the fuck?!
Uh...
He just treats me as if I was his personal maid.
I'm just there to cook, and keep the house clean and wash his clothes.
I say, 'My name is Emma', and you say?
My name's Clementine Alfonso.
You can't say Clementine Alfonso.
Why not?
Because it sounds ridiculous. It sounds made up.
It is made up.
This whole thing is made up, Jen.
(SIGHS)
(DIALS PHONE)
(SIGHS)
(GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC)
Hi, it's Jen.
(PEOPLE CHAT-FER SOFTLY)
(SIGHS)
(WOMAN) SOFTLY: Look at her. She's by herself.
Jen!
Hi.
Hello.
Hey.
How are you?
- Mm! - (LAUGHS)
- You look good. - You look good.
You look really good.
Mm. It takes me back. (CHUCKLES)
- (SIGHS) - You had Botox?
- No. (LAUGHS) - You have.
- No, I haven't. - You have.
- Wow. You look great. - Thank you.
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES LIGHTLY)
(SIGHS)
- So you're back. - I'm back, yeah.
And Stan tells me you bought a house?
Bought a house. (CHUCKLES)
Married?
Yeah, yeah. Married, yeah. Karen. Three kids.
- Oh, three kids? - Yeah. It's full on.
- She a bit of a nag, Is she? - Eh?
Nothing.
And you? You're...
not married?
(CLICKS TONGUE) Nope, nope. Not me. (CHUCKLES)
- Got a man? - No.
- A woman? - No. (CHUCKLES)
I've got nobody. (CHUCKLES)
Thanks so much for coming.
Yeah. It's good to see you.
There is, um, something that I...
I wanted to say, actually.
I love you.
I've always loved you.
You're the love of my life.
(LAUGHS)
Sorry.
Are you kidding?
You're the only man I've ever loved.
(LAUGHS LOUDLY)
I'm sorry. That's...
Sorry.
I'm sorry. That was just... Nervous.
Jen, that was 15 years ago.
We were kids.
I know. But-
I screwed around a lot.
Yeah, well, I know about Mel.
Yeah, yeah. There was Mel,
um, then there was me, Mel and Sharon;
me, Sharon, Raewyn;
me, Raewyn and Juanita.
Hey, I was a dickhead back then.
I've changed. I coach the school football team.
I led the walking bus this morning.
I-I-I don't understand.
It's a whole group of parents get together,
and you walk the kids to school.
I understand what a walking bus is.
I grew up, Jen.
(SIGHS)
(DEBUSSY'S 'CLAIR DE LUNE')
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(SIGHS)
(EXHALES)
Hi... ma'am. (CHUCKLES)
I know you're not a cop, Mel.
Yeah. I-I know. I just...
Maybe you should get off my property
before I call the actual police.
Fair enough.
- (VOMITS) - Oh!
Oh my God!
(COUGHS, RETCHES)
I'm so sorry.
- (VOMITS) - Oh!
Oh! I'll get a cloth.
(GROANS)
(SIGHS)
Sorry about your doormat.
It's fine.
I came to apologise.
OK.
Jen and I aren't friends any more.
I don't really care, Mel.
Fair enough. But...
when me and Jen started this business, we...
we had the best intentions.
And meeting you reminded me that...
that we hurt people.
And I feel bad about that, and I'm...
I'm sorry, Anna.
OK.
- Friends? - I don't think so.
Mm. Oh well. It was worth a shot.
I got in touch with Brendan, by the way.
Speaking to a divorce lawyer on Monday,
and I'm getting a second opinion about my uterus.
Good for you. That's great.
Thank you.
Divorce sucks, but...
I think it's for the best.
I fucking hate capoeira. I mean, is it fighting or is it dancing?
That's what I say.
Who are you fighting like that?
Yeah. Like, the wind? (SCOFFS) (LAUGHS)
Friends?
Goodbye, Mel.
See you round.
No.
I will see you round.
It's New Zealand, so it's...
Chances are, you know?
The door is that way.
(DOOR SLAMS)
(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)
(LOUD SNIFFING)
(SNIFFS) Shit. That's gone right to the back of my eyes.
Oh!
Well, (SNIFFS) it looks like you've made a string of bad choices,
and they're all coming back to bite you.
You're my mother. You're meant to be cheering me up.
Look, I do want you to know that we love you, Jen.
We're very, very proud of everything that you've achieved
in your life so far...
with your high school and...
the one year at university
and the achy-breaky thingummy company.
Thanks, Mum.
I am sorry to hear about you and Mel, though.
I'm surprised the friendship lasted as long as it did, actually.
(EXHALES)
Rightly or wrongly,
we Tweedy women have always prioritised
the men in our lives, haven't we? (LAUGHS)
Graham!
I want to make love!
Ew. Mum.
He'll be in the garage watching porn.
Mum!
I better nab him while I can.
(SIGHS)
Do pop in and say goodbye before you go, won't you?
I'm not gonna pop in.
- Yes, you are. - I'm not.
- Yes, you are. Don't be silly. - I'm not popping in.
I'm not popping-
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
Love you.
(RIKKI MORRIS' 'NOBODY ELSE')
♪ Ooh,
♪ yeah.
♪ I know I've acted badly
♪ in my life.
♪ I took you for granted,
♪ and that's no lie.
(WHISTLE BLOWS, PEOPLE CHEER)
♪ Now I'm facing the future
♪ in a different role.
♪ And I'm working it out there.
♪ Just thought you should know.
♪ I...
♪ Oh, I'll never leave.
I I'll never go...
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine...
10.
...10, 11, 12.
♪ ...in my life.
♪ No, there's nobody else
♪ comes within a country mile of you.
♪ No, there's nobody else
♪ on the side.
♪ Nobody else. ♪
Anything else?
That's fine. Thanks.
Testicles for dinner again?
Can you just tell her that I'm not ready to talk to her
and she can stop stalking me around the supermarket?
Uh, so your friend said she doesn't want to talk you any more because-
Yeah. I heard the whole thing. Thank you.
OK.
(COMPUTER BEEPS)
Just need to borrow this just a little sec. Just a little sec.
- Just a little sec. - I'm sorry, it's just for staff.
Sorry. Linda!
MICROPHONE: Oh, we've just found an item belonging to a
Miss Melanie Chandra.
Ooh, it's her virginity.
Uh, if there is a Miss Melanie Chandra in the supermarket,
please come and claim your virginity at Customer-
_ OK- - (THUD!)
Ow! God!
What are you doing?
I want to say I'm sorry.
OK. Go on, then.
Could you just give us a bit of privacy please?
Absolutely not. This is my checkout, so...
Melanie...
Mel...
Mel.
I... Yep. I-I'm getting there.
I am-
I- I-I-I-I-
Melanie, I am-
I'm sorry.
Yeah, no, OK, just...
WHISPERS: give me a minute.
I'm sorry.
There. I've said it.
You're not sorry.
Mel, I am sorry.
I miss you.
I'm gonna hug you.
- Are you? - Yes, I am.
Mm.
Just pop your arm up there.
Mm.
Jen, I feel sick.
- Oh, this feels nice. - No, Jen. I feel sick.
- Come on, you don't feel sick. - No, I do.
Like, literally, I feel sick. Jen, stop. Get-Let go. Let go.
- Oh my God. - (RETCHES)
- Oh my God. OK, get her a bag. - (RETCHES)
Do not-I'm sorry, do not do that here.
Just get her just get her a bag or something.
I can't get her a bag. I'll get-She's not buying.
Look, just get her a bag! She's gonna vomit!
(BOTH ARGUE)
Shush. Shush. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
- Are you OK? - Yeah. I'm fine.
I'm just, um...
- I'm pregnant. - (GASPS)
EW! (STAMMERS) Wow!
Whoa.
Was it planned?
Can we have a bit of privacy, please?
No.
Go on. Say it. I know you're gonna say it.
- What? What am I gonna say? - I know what you're gonna say.
What am I gonna say?
You're gonna say, 'Don't do it.
'Don't go through with it. Get rid of it.'
- Oh. (SCOFFS) - No. I-No.
You know what I'm gonna say? I'm gonna say that you...
should do whatever you want.
Great.
Because... I'm gonna keep it.
Well, I think that's amazing.
I think, you know, if...
Yeah, if you want a little crying thing yapping round your heels,
giving you saggy boobs and draining your resources-
See?
It does give you...
I am serious. Yay, yay, yippity, yippity, yay, yay, yay for you
and the baby, and the... the kid. I assume you're having it-
The kid's the father, right?
Sorry, kid?
He's not a kid. He's just a younger man.
Oh, sick!
Uh, a lot younger.
- Disgusting. - He's 18.
Oh, legal.
So, you and... Jordan?
That's-You guys are doing it together?
- Yeah. He's the dad, so... - Yeah. Cool.
- How else would I...? - Great.
Don't get involved.
No. Not me.
I've got to go. I've got to go pick up... Jordan from Rainbow's End.
(SIGHS)
That is one unhappy woman.
You're also gonna have to pay for her groceries.
Yeah.
Thank you, ma'am. Have a good day.
Thank you.
Well, that should be that. All done.
Closed. Sorry, ma'am.
- Oh, hell no. - (SIGHS)
Can you believe this bitch be up here in my teller window right now?
You guys do everything together?
- You got some sass, honky. - What do you want?
I want you to help me break up Jordan and Mel.
Oh!
I don't have to help you with anything, white girl.
All right. All right.
I understand that, but...
You still love him, right?
Of course, I fuckin' love him.
He's the love of my life,
despite all the revenge fantasy dreams I've had of slashing
his beautiful fuckin' face off.
Why should she help you, bitch?
Because of...
the sisterhood?
- Ha! The sisterhood? - (ALL TALK TOGETHER)
Oh, did she actually say, 'the sisterhood' right now?
Of what? The travelling pants? That's where she lives.
All right, all right. I know I'm not part of your sisterhood.
But Mel is like a sister to me,
and we've got our own little, tiny sisterhood.
And our sisterhood
needs your sisterhood's help.
You feel me?
(LAUGHTER, SCOFFING)
- 'You feel me?' - (LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
I feel you, girl.
OK, at least let me buy you a-a rum and Coke,
and we can have a chat about you getting your rightful man back.
(ALL MURMUR)
You girls feel like a drink?
ALL: Mm. Yes.
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS, PEOPLE CHATTER)
There you go.
Mm-hm.
OK. (CHUCKLES)
Yum.
That is some cold-hearted shit you guys do. Ice cold.
I wouldn't say ice cold.
I like it.
I mean, I think this break has been really good for me and Jordan.
It's just made me realise that I really do love him
(SIGHS) and maybe I need to show him more of my Queen Bey
and less of my (AGGRESSIVELY) Sasha Fierce.
You know?
I have no idea what you're talking about,
but I am very pleased you're happy to help.
So I'll come up with a plan-
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No offence Jennifer, but your guys' last plan sucked.
Well, the plan didn't suck.
The execution of the plan might have sucked.
Whatever.
If we're gonna do this,
we're gonna do this my way.
You want to know the key to Jordan's heart?
Not really.
It's the power...
of song and dance.
(IMITATES ELECTRONIC SOUND)
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
(IMITATES ELECTRONIC SOUND)
- (IMITATES ELECTRONIC SOUND) - No, that's my purse.
That's my purse. Can I just grab my purse back, please?
(BEATBOXES)
RAPS: ♪ Sepa and Jordan for life.
3 Drop. (BEATBOXES)
♪ Flow like a mighty river. Girls.
(BEATBOXES)
♪ Get her, Jennifer.
♪ Titty pop. Titty pop. Titty pop.
♪ Titty pop. Titty pop.
ALL JOIN IN: ♪ Titty pop. Titty pop. Titty pop. Titty pop.
♪ Titty pop. Titty pop.
♪ Dig deep. I won't stop.
♪ I'mma shine so bright,
♪ don't give it up.
♪ Got my big fat booty on lock.
♪ Drop. Drop. Drop.
♪ That is weak. Let me, boy, I'll pick you up.
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC CONTINUES)
SEPA: Get it, Jennifer.
(MUSIC DISTORTS)
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
- Coach Fitzsimmons here again. - (SLURPS LOUDLY)
I want to talk about one of the members of our club.
Hey, I might, um, go get another fizzy. You want another fizzy?
Uh, nah. I'm OK. OK.
When he first come to me, he couldn't tackle to save himself.
So I was, like, 'Boy, get down low, and (GRUNTS).'
You know, (GRUNTS).
Hey, uh, can I get a mixture of fizzy raspberry and fizzy cola?
Fizzy raspberry, fizzy cola, yeah.
Um, maybe more raspberry than cola. So like 60/40.
60/40.
60 being the raspberry, and 40 being the cola?
...this person actually got a contract
with the Gold Coast Titans
Development Squad.
So let's give it up for Mr Jordan 'Snaky Legs' Marsden.
- Come on up! - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Awesome opportunity, boy. I never got it, but good on you.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah, firstly I'd just like to give thanks to Coach
and the team for this.
As some of youse may know,
I'm about to take up the-
the responsibility of a lifetime.
Uh, Mel, come on up.
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
Uh, everyone,
this is...
this is, uh, Melon...
or Mel.
Um, a while back we played hop-ons.
Well, I did the hopping on,
and I ended up planting my seed in her, and now she's pregnant.
(LONE PERSON CLAPS)
You don't-You don't have to clap.
Yeah, um, so, sorry, Coach,
but you might need to call up those Gold Coast people
and tell them I can't take that contract right now...
because I need to be in New Zealand, taking care of my responsibilities,
because in the words of my mum, Lisa,
'You fucked up, and I sure as shit ain't paying for it.'
Love you, Mum.
(SILENCE)
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
Yeah.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Whoa.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES)
I hear congratulations are in order.
Thank you.
I'm talking about his Titans offer, white girl.
Oh, nah, thank-thank you, Sepa.
(SIGHS)
WHISPERS: What are you doing?
WHISPERS: I don't-I've got no idea.
- What are you wearing? - I've got no idea. (SIGHS)
(K-CI AND JOJO'S 'ALL MY LIFE')
I'm so sorry for the way I treated you, baby.
I know I come on a bit heavy sometimes,
but I enrolled in a course to tackle my anger management issues.
Can everyone at the bar please shut the fuck up?!
I've been suspended for a week because I punched my tutor,
but the point is that I'm working on myself, you know?
And it's been really illuminating getting down to the core
of my insecurities.
And what I want you to know is that you're the one.
AMERICAN ACCENT: You're my man till the end.
My ri till I D.
Ride till I die.
This one is for you, babe.
♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby...
This is our song.
Drop.
♪ I will never find another lover sweeter than you,
♪ sweeter than you...
♪ And I will never find another lover more precious than you,
♪ more precious than you.
♪ Girl, you are
♪ close to me- you're like my mother,
♪ close to me- you're like my father,
♪ close to me- you're like my sister,
- I close to me... - That's enough, honky!
♪ You are the only one, my everything,
♪ and for you this song I sing.
♪ All my life,
♪ I've prayed for someone like you.
♪ And I thank God...
Jordan.
- Jordan. - Oh.
♪ ...that I've finally found you.
Um...
♪ All my life.
I don't think we should be together.
What? But I've got to do right by you, Mel,
especially when the baby comes in 12 months.
Nine months.
You know how you always say 'the heart goes where the heart goes'?
Yeah, he does say that.
♪ And I thank God
I that I finally found you.
You're really observant, eh, Mel?
Like a observant...
- uh... - Flower?
Yeah.
Good luck with the baby, eh.
Just lols. I'll be there all the way. I'm the dad.
PS: Remember the Titans. Congratulations.
Yeah, cos I might take up the contract now, if that's cool?
You should take up the offer. I think it's a great opportunity.
I'll come visit you on the Gold Coast-me and the baby.
Yes!
♪ And I thank God that I...
I that I finally found you.
♪ And all my life,
♪ I've prayed for someone like you.
♪ And I hope that-
Get away from me, bitch.
♪ Ooh...
Get the fuck away.
I Yes, I pray that you do love me.
K-CI AND JOJO: ♪ You're all that I ever known,
I when you smile, on my face, all I see is a glow.
JEN: Look, I know you told me not to get involved.
But I can't help it. I mean, getting involved is part of my personality.
- It's a personality disorder. - And I do want you to be happy.
- You're my best friend. - I'm your only friend.
Well, exactly. Would I be doing this if I didn't want you to be happy?
No.
You're completely humiliating yourself
in front of a roomful of strangers.
♪ ...you picked me up when I was down. ♪
I am, aren't I?
(SIGHS)
I missed you.
I missed you too.
(SIGHS)
God. What am I doing? What am I doing?
Am I doing the right thing?
- Having the baby? - Of course you are.
I can help with the baby, you know.
I mean, I don't know shit about babies but
I'm really good at buying things online.
And I can push it round the park if you want?
That'd be awesome. (SIGHS)
Fuck.
- (GASPS) - I fuckin' love you, Jordan.
(BOTH BREATHE HEAVILY)
- Wow. - Should we kiss?
No. Not this again. No. You said it repulsed you.
No, I said I didn't need to do it again,
but I feel like now that we've found the moment-
Hey! You're still wearing your friendship bracelet.
Yep.
- And I'm making you a new one. - I appreciate that.
- I appreciate all of this. - I did it for you.
- I appreciate you, mate. - (CHUCKLES)
I love you.
But, um, is this completely necessary?
The closeness of your genitalia to mine?
You're gonna keep going, aren't you?
- Yeah.
(TECHNOTRONIC'S 'PUMP UP THE JAM' PLAYS)
- What? - Friendly constable at 3 o'clock.
Oh.
♪ And the jam is pumpin'.
Oh.
Should we dance?
Yeah.
You kind of make me feel like dancing. Let's dance.
Yeah. Yeah.
♪ Seek us-that's where the party's at,
♪ and you'll find out if you're too bad.
♪ I don't want
♪ a place to stay.
♪ Get your booty on the floor tonight.
♪ Make my day.
♪ I don't want
♪ a place to stay.
♪ Get your booty on the floor tonight.
♪ Make my day.
♪ Yo. Pump up the jam, pump it up
♪ while your feet are stompin',
♪ and the jam is pumpin'.
♪ Look at here- the crowd is jumpin'. ♪
Hello, Maker Upperers.
Yes, you have called the right number.
Yeah. We do make-ups as well as break-ups now.
What service were you after?
I want to have as many partners on the go as possible.
Like tag-team wrestling, but with intercourse.
Yeah. Good, guys. See?
Sometimes just a change of scene is all you need to spice it up.
Going straight into the wank bank.
I don't know if he can please her,
but I feel like there is gonna be someone else out there that you can.
Maybe right in front of you.
Hi, Sarah. Hey, if you're still single,
we've got a lot of lovely single guys in our database now.
- Fuck off! - OK.
Does this mean I start getting paid?
- Yeah. - No.
Oh.
♪ Yo, pump it. Pump up the jam,
♪ pump it.
♪ Pump it up.
♪ Yo, pump it.
♪ Pump up the jam, pump it.
♪ Pump it up.
♪ Yo, pump it.
(SNORES LOUDLY)
Hello, Mr Johnston, I'm Nurse Clementine Alfonso.
Anna!
Hey!
Hi!
- Check this out. - Oh my God.
- Little Nemo. - Nemo? Found him!
Jordan Marsden scores in the corner. The crowd goes wild.
N-E-M-O!
Nemo!
If there was just somebody out there
who would gel with both of us, it could work.
I don't know who that person is, but...
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
So now, it is my very great pleasure to pronounce you
husband and husband.
You may kiss your husband. (CHUCKLES)
(APPLAUSE)
This would never have happened without you guys.
I know.
(LADYHAWKE'S 'A LOVE SONG')
♪ It all began innocent as love can be.
♪ In every word, you gave it all to me.
♪ Cos this is what a love song sounds like.
♪ Another life,
♪ two beating hearts are mine.
♪ The party's over, but you're still over the line.
♪ Cos this is what a love song sounds like.
♪ This could be my life, but it's only words
♪ to make me feel right when the meaning's blurred.
♪ You've opened my eyes to the oldest tale of time.
♪ This is what a love song sounds like.
♪ This could be my life, but it's only words
♪ to make me feel right when the meaning's blurred.
♪ You've opened my eyes to the oldest tale of time.
♪ This is what a love song, love song sounds like.
♪ I'm falling down,
♪ too much to drink again.
♪ You pull me up
♪ and tell me how it could end.
♪ This is what a love song sounds like.
♪ I gave it up,
♪ I don't wanna hurt any more.
♪ It wasn't me,
♪ why can't you just open the door?
♪ This is what a love song sounds like.
♪ This could be my life, but it's only words
♪ to make me feel right when the meaning's blurred.
♪ You've opened my eyes to the oldest tale of time.
♪ This is what a love song sounds like.
♪ This could be my life, but it's only words
♪ to make me feel right when the meaning's blurred.
♪ You've opened my eyes to the oldest tale of time.
♪ This is what a love song, love song sounds like.
♪ Life is always meant to replay.
♪ No heartbreak, no more today.
♪ This could be my life, but it's only words
♪ to make me feel right when the meaning's blurred.
♪ You've opened my eyes to the oldest tale of time.
♪ This is what a love song sounds like.
♪ This could be my life, but it's only words
♪ to make me feel right when the meaning's blurred.
♪ You've opened my eyes to the oldest tale of time.
♪ This is what a love song, love song sounds like. ♪
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
♪ Ah...
♪ You got me going round and round.
♪ Ah...
I You got me thinking about love.
♪ About love.
♪ We could get there tonight.
♪ Oh, baby.
♪ Why you gotta do that?
♪ Oh, baby.
♪ Why you gotta do that?
♪ I don't know.
♪ Ah...
It's not great, but it is not bad.
You just got some cotton and just twisted it around?
- Twisted it around. Yeah. - Yeah, that's not really a...
I'll show you.
OCR'd and corrected by explosiveskull